Hesitation
by lalala777
Summary: Severus Snape only loved a few people in his life, and they all used or betrayed him. Except one. Except Minerva McGonagall.


Hey people who love Harry Potter!

This story was inspired by DH2, because Severus absolutely falters when Minerva pushes Harry out of the way with her wand drawn. Then, did you notice he only fired defensive spells? What's up with that?

_I don't own anything… Enjoy!_

**Hesitation**

"_Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

_Lao Tzu_

Severus Snape had loved very few people in his life, and only one did not betray him, nor use him.

The first was his father. Yet his father hated him, used him. He was terribly abused, physically and mentally, and in since his mother had died when he was young, he never had any loving and warm encouragement as a child. The only good thing that his father ever gave him was a Potions kit when he was six. He would never have made it through Hogwarts without his beloved Potions.

_He loved his father, honestly, even as he cast the killing curse on the older man's body._

The second was Lily Evans. Beautiful, kind, intelligent Lily with her fiery hair, and her sweet and fierce protection of him in the face of James Potter. Lily had been his best friend, closest confidante, and somewhere along the path of their friendship, he had fallen in love.

Yet, somewhere in the midst of their fourth year, Lily had begun to travel with the Marauders, and he had gotten so angry that when she had tried to defend him once more, he snapped and called her a Mudblood. And although he had apologized over and over again, that single word had set her against him. Then she married James Potter, and they had little Harry, who he had secretly been protecting since his first year, all because of a emerald eyed girl with a flower in her hair.

_He loved Lily Evans, even as he sobbed hopelessly against her limp body._

The third was Albus Dumbledore. It might be harder to see than the others, but he practically worshipped the man. The omniscient Albus Dumbledore had saved him from Voldemort, took him in despite his crimes against the good.

But Dumbledore had used him. He was made a double-agent. He had to endure the evil looks from the staff, students, and members of the Order of the Phoenix. There were many times he wished he could be like Flitwick. A good teacher, and loved by all. Many times he wished he had the Gryffindor courage to tell Hermione Granger her potion was perfect, to clap Fred and George Weasley on the back after a particularly good prank on Umbridge. Yet the headmaster had made him a double agent, and he was instantly under suspicion, and couldn't even try to be nice to anyone. In fact, now he didn't think he could be kind if he wanted to, even if he was allowed, all because of Albus Dumbledore.

Don't take it the wrong way; he knew Dumbledore was a great man. But all men had flaws, and Albus' ability to love and lose was one of them.

_He loved Albus Dumbledore, even as he looked straight into those twinkling blue eyes and sent him flying off the highest tower in Hogwarts._

The only person who never used him, never abused him, and never betrayed him was Minerva McGonagall, and he loved her for that. Unlike Dumbledore, she never exactly liked one student above another, except maybe Hermione Granger and Lily Evans, but that was most likely due to their hard work and dedication to her class. And even then she never really showed it.

She was always waiting there, by the gates, waiting with bandages and hot water and healing magic for him to come stumbling through the wards, injured and scarred beyond belief. She never grimaced at him or talked about him behind his back or gave him evil looks, because that's just who she was. Minerva McGonagall would always face someone with her head held high, say what she had to say straight to their face, and face whatever consequences came with her words and actions. He knew for a fact several staff members had to physically hold the woman back because of her determination, quite a few times that terrible year, to give Dolores Umbridge a what-for.

The only person Minerva supported, no questions asked, was Albus Dumbledore. From what he had gathered over the years, Minerva had fell in love with her Transfiguration professor, and was turned down in her seventh year. She had, of course, been incredibly subtle about it, but he had noticed how a brief smile went across her face nearly every time the old man entered the room. But Severus Snape was no fool; he had seen the longing looks Dumbledore shot her once in a while, and truly wondered if the young Transfiguration protégé had _really_ been turned down.

But Severus Snape loved Minerva McGonagall, and that was the truth.

Perhaps this was why, after Dumbledore's death, his heart ached every time he passed her in the hall in his new position as Headmaster, her face stern and strong but her emerald eyes, Lily's eyes, full of anger, betrayal, and grief. Maybe this was why he longed to sweep her into a hug and tell her everything, tell her just so she would know, so some of this heavy burden could be eliminated when she told him it wasn't his fault. She _would_ understand, he just knew she would.

Yes, this was why he wanted so desperately to reassure her when she reached protectively around her beloved students every time she caught a glimpse of him, warning the older ones and kissing the foreheads of the younger ones once she was sure he was no longer in the vicinity. Maybe Minerva was a strict teacher when everything was normal, but she knew in dark times like these, children preferred to know an adult was keeping a keen watch over them, and he knew, unlike them, she always had.

This was why, when she pushed Potter out of the way as the Potions Master drew his wand, he couldn't fire a single spell at her. He didn't understand; he had killed his father and Dumbledore, and told Lily on no uncertain terms that she was a mudblood. Why couldn't he hurt the older woman with black robes that matched her hair who was standing in front of him?

He hesitated.

To some twisted satisfaction deep inside him, she faltered too. They had stared at each other for a few long seconds, and he could've sworn he saw a tear slip down her face. He hoped he was the only one who saw; he noticed Potter's face scrunching up in confusion, he must've seen. Yet, as the murmur of children's voices filled the air -'Why aren't they doing anything?' 'Is McGonagall okay?' 'I hope she takes Snape out!'- Minerva's face became an impenetrable mask as she fired a mass of spells at him, but still he only raised his wand in self-defense. Defensive spell after defensive spell, and finally he couldn't take it anymore and took off out the window.

_Yes, he loved Minerva McGonagall._ He knew, because as the last word she ever spoke to him left her mouth, his heart shattered like a broken vial and an icy cold hand made his breath catch, and he could've sworn it was raining because he felt wetness on his pale cheeks. Famous last words, indeed.

_'Coward! COWARD!'_

_HPHPHP_

Hope you liked! Just a little drabble. To clear a few things up, no, he doesn't love her like he loved Lily, more like a mentor. And on a last note, I don't mean that, given the chance, he'd actually complement Hermione. It means that he wishes he could be the man that _could _do that sort of thing. Usually people that put on the 'I'm evil' act just want to be normal and accepted. There are, of course, exception, but that's how I saw Severus.

_~lala~_


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